Some days it’s just not easy being the me others expect me to be. I’m pretty cheerful by nature so when I dip into the dark ink that sloshes around inside of me,  I tend to keep it to myself. My two closest friends always know but I hide it from the rest of the humans I know and interact with on a a daily basis.

For some reason, I think that I’m never supposed to feel sad or overwhelmed or angry. So many folks I know are dealing with some serious crap. Loss of loved ones, serious illnesses, you name it. My biggest issues today are a pain in my back that hasn’t let up for almost two weeks and struggling with a tough decision. When I compare my stuff with others, I feel guilty for even complaining.  On the one hand, it helps me keep things in perspective but on the other, I’m negating my own feelings and thus inviting other people to do the same. The ridiculous part is that they don’t know they’re doing it because I’M KEEPING MY STRUGGLES TO MYSELF!

I don’t know how to change this behavior and I’ve tried. I’m great at giving support but lousy at asking for it. I’ve been labeled a whiner and complainer by less kind people over the years. I’ve accepted these names as my own. So I walk around feeling awful, sure that if I voice it, the negative names become true and apparent to even more people. They will turn from me and I will be alone.

When my sunny mood returns, I will know this to be a falsehood but on this gray and gloomy day, it feels true.

Please don’t ask me to smile today. Maybe tomorrow but not today.